Chrysalis: 11/01/2002

I remember how much I hate this fucking holliday. I hate all hollidays. Get rid of all of them. Especially Christmas. XP

>.< He acts like I don't know how to fucking cook. I know how to make a meatloaf. For a meatloaf, you need a loaf pan. Not a fucking flat pan! My poor meatloaf will be flat. And he had to over season shit. Why must he make everything salty? Ugh! And then he buys steaks for himself after he ruins my dinner. Fucking asshole.

So I've been looking at pictures of Sean Biggerstaff and Ryan Merriman. They are the new JTT! ^_^

You guys remember Steve from Blue's Clues? Well he has an album coming out. Damn, I never realized how hot this guy was. };-9Steve's Webpage.

How do you like the new look? ^_^

I've been thinking really hard about this diet thing. I might start a Live Journal to chronicle it. That or make it an advice column. One day, I want to have my own talk show. Where I can give advice to people and help them. And I get to interview the rich and famous. I so want to be the next Oprah. *_*

Been a while, huh? I know, I've been having some issues lately. Don't worry, they're not major. But what you all have been waiting for. An update on my life.

So, first off, I did not get the computer. There was some problems with my loan. My mom has offered to buy the computer with her loan. But I don't want her to. I'm tired of relying on my mother for everything. But if she wants to help so much, she can clear my credit! }:-p

I need to move out. Recent events have proved how crazy my family really is. I need to get away from here. As fast as I can. But in order to do that, I'll need money. More money than I make now. Which means, new job. >.<

And lastly, I need to just quit eating all together. I'm so fat, my back has tits. I have to wear a bra on my back. I'm a cow. ;_;

PS: Emilie, Oh I know you're not trying to take my man! XD

I just came back from getting my shop on at Wally World. Wal-Mart to y'all. I bought Beauty and the Beast on dvd, Final Fantasy X, and the first Harry Potter book. Curse you all! Now I'm addicted! I'm sick! I'm tainted! I'm in love with Oliver Wood! >.<

Oh, and I don't understand the meaning of these dream journals and I don't think I'd want to make one. But I will say this, the other night, I had a dream about you, Crystal. And you had metalic streaks in your hair. I don't know if that's even humanly possible. But it looked good. ^^;

Today had to have been one of the greatest days ever! I got both of my cd's in the mail today. Along with my checks and my check card from Wells Fargo. YAY! I really need to close that account with West-America. They're so poopy! }:-P
Anyway, I just activated the card and now I'll have to take it in and get my pin number put on it. I also got the confirmation of my loan from Apple. If today wasn't an exciting day for my mailbox, I don't know what is. ^^
There's a showing of Harry Potter tomorrow night. I'm only going to be with my friends. I'm so lonlie. ;_;

And now my friends, a rant.
I remember the days when my skin was always silky smooth. But that has all changed. My once soft as a baby's rump hands and feet are now callouced and my fingers are bitten. I know those are my fault, but still, can't I at least one day know what it is like to have fingernails? And don't get me started with my face. My face was so nice and smooth back when I was 11. But no, acne had to attack my face. Yes, acne. Everyone has had acne. But why the hell does it take so much to get rid of it? I've got to wash my face, use a mask, rinse the mask, use estringent, and then ointment. I'm not saying I do those things. I just have to do them if my face wants to stay clear. But it doesn't work for everyone. I would kill to just use a simple OXY pad and have them go away. And then there's hair. You've got hair growing all over your body. I think it's gross. It should only cover your head. But no, don't try to shave it. It just comes back twice as thick. And those spray away or wax away medicines on tv, they don't work. Curse society for making me want to be some thin, hairless, soft skined, sissy! Because in reality, I really do want to be all of those things.

And on a more happier note: I have to take FFX back to Hollywood video tomorrow and I don't want to. I love the game too much. I'll have to buy it tomorrow.

Must...turn...the...disco...music....off!

Well, I missed my drama class too. But I'm kind of afraid to go to my mythology class. Because I'll be forced to share the stupid myth I made up in an hour. Yeah. I really need more time so I can do my homework. I'm gonna try grounding myself. yeah, that will work. >.<

Ugh, I'm so tired of school already. It seems like the only class I'll be able to pass this semester will be drama. I don't even think I want to get my general education. I have to get the hell out of there. I hate school. So why am I still going? Now, if you excuse me, I have to write a paper that I waited until the last minute to write.

This phone cover looks and smells like lemons! ^_^

I don't care how anoying Alex is. He is still cute as shit! }:-9

And now... The Saturday Scruples!

1. A relative is dying. She asks for help to die with dignity. Assisting suicide is a criminal offense. Do you help?
I don't know. If it was a relative I love a lot, like my parents or my grams. But if it was someone I wasn't very close to, I don't think I'd have the right to take their lives.

2. A friend calls it "the best entertainment in town." He uses a scanner to listen to lovers talking on cell phones. Do you do it?
As amusing as that sounds, I don't want to be up in other people's business. Especially people I don't know.

3. You're selling your house because of constant noise from the rooming house next door. Potential buyers ask why you're selling. Do you tell them?
No, no, NO! That's not what a sellsperson does.

Ryan, it would be better to just buy Kylie Minogue's "Light Years" instead of searching all of kazaa to find the tracks. And we know how we like to spend money on things. ^^

Well, I might go to see the play at DVC on Sunday. I'm going with Jenny and her friend Trevor. She was nice enough to give me a ride home even though she lives in Emryville. How sweet of her. I wish I was 21. Then we could go to clubs. :-/

"On a Night Like This" is the best Kylie Minogue song ever! Everyone should download it.

Ok, so I'm thinking about a new template. I'm thinking either Kylie Minogue or Ayumi Hamasaki. Erik thinks I should put up a porn star. But I can't find any good pictures of them with any clothes on. LOL

Gotta go! Super-sized Friends is on!

I just got a new checking account at Wells Fargo. As soon as I ask Mario for direct deposit(and maybe even a promotion), I'll get free checking. It's great. I also signed up for a student credit card. I'm getting closer and closer to the computer. All I need to do now is to buy a desk. _~_
Friday, I close my account at West America. I think I'm going to stay at Wells. They are nice. ^_^

Did I say I was gonna start buying shoes at payless? I must have been out of my mind last night. It's ok. I'm better now. I was just overwelmed with all the bull shit going on. But I can deal with it. Really I can.
So today, we're going to look at different banks. Because the one I'm at is way too shity. I need this check card since I can' t get a credit card. My latest obsession is downloading Kylie Minogue videos. Right now, I'm dowloading another non us release, "In Your Eyes" and I'm downloading an Australian Pepsi comercial with her in it. Yes, I'm obsessed.

You never understand life until it comes up and bites you on the fucking ass.

Good news, I was aproved for the computer loan. Bad news, I wasn't aproved for the check card. How? My bank decided not to tell me all the facts about applying for one. I can't believe that I have to wait until almost fucking January just to get one. It's incredibly sad.

On another note, I have to take driver training classes and they will cost a good $300. Which will take a chunk out of the money I'm saving up for the computer. Then my mom wants to buy me a car. Which will cost money, of course. Money I don't have. I clock in the most hours out of anyone at work and I still can't afford any of these things. I've had to sacrifice a lot to be able to keep money. I'm now down to three pairs of shoes. My sneakers, my suede hi-top things, and my work boots which are for work so they don't count. I then have stoped shopping for clothes all together. All of my clothes have been recycled from last year. Which is a first ever in my life. I've never had to wear the same clothes for more than a season. Unless I wanted to. I'm worried that people at school will start to think that I really don't have any money. That this front I put up for years acting like I did. I'm sure there are people out there just like me who are going through the same thing. But I don't want to give up my high maintanance lifestyle. Sure, I could buy my shoes at Payless or buy my clothes off the clearance rack. But what I really need is more money. I want to ask Mario for another raise. But since I already make the most money out of the floorstaff there, it would be rediculious. By the end of this pay perioud, I will have clocked in over 60 hours. I work non-stop. Just last month was the first time I ever got a chance to go out and have fun. Chill with friends and such. And I think that working at the theatre has deprived me of that. I couldn't do things I wanted to because I had to work. I missed college registration and I was forced to take some last minute electives. I couldn't go to graduation. Even if I wasn't going to graduate, it would have been nice to at least be there. Or Grad Nite. Damn, people are still talking about it. And I had to give it up because I had made some really bad choices. If I could, I would turn back time and repeat high school with the knowledge I have now. Things would have been so much easier. I would have known that the counseler was fucking stupid. I would have chose carefully who my friends and my enemies were. I would have put my fat ass on a diet. I would have made a much more drastic and sooner transition my Junior year. Maybe things would have been different for me. Things would be different now. I would have found something in me sooner to show me what I want the rest of my life to be. But all I have now are dreams. Dreams that wont come true because none of my dreams ever do. I could say that it's all my fault for not being asertive enough. Or say that it's the world's fault for dealing me a bad deck of cards. But I won't. It just happens. It just happens to me. It happens to everyone. Sooner or later, it'll happen. I'm just glad it was sooner. Like they say, you can't be a winner forever. The same goes for losers, too.

Guess what everybody? I've hit rock bottom. Again!

So I've decided to wait until the year is over. That way I can start the new year off with some peace of mind. I'll be able to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why people seem to use me every chance they get. I'll be able to figure out what is going to make my stay on this god awful planet more enjoyable. Cause god knows, the rate I'm going, I won't last through 30.

So what have I been up to? I downloaded "Work It" by Missy Elliot. "Get your hair did!" XD
I also downloaded a classic, "Someday" by Mariah Carey.

I also downloaded a Kylie Minogue music video. "Spinning Around" is the best song ever. The song really goes to how I want to feel. And the dance she does towards the end is so cute. I'm trying to memorize it.

Today I tried that chicken terryaki sandwhich from Subway. The sauce was too sweet. Next time, I'll try the hot pastrami. I'm obsessed with Baked Lays potato chips. But I try not to eat too much of them because I don't want loos bowel syndrome.

I really wish I had enough money to buy this computer. I hate saving money. >.<

That's it. I fucking quit. I've worked too hard for too long to be treated like shit at this job. I've done nothing but kiss ass for these people for over a year. But I don't care any more. But I'm not the one to be screwed over. I've come way too far to give up now. Oh no. I ain't the one. And the only way they will realized that is if I fucking quit. Let's see who they will get to work for them everyday like a slaive. Let's see who they get to completely give up their social life for work. I could be at home catching up on my sleep. I haven't slept well in I don't know how long. Sleep is barely an option. But enough of my melodrama.

I really had a good time at the party last night. I wish I could have stayed but if you havn't already noticed, I've given my soul to work. But I'm glad to see you all are well. Thanks for having me.

Oh, and I love you Ashley. I'll make sure to call you sometime this week.

And if anyone believes that Liz and Nick not be together, shut up! I'd rather see my friends happy than myself.

I'm really tired of being alone. I think it's time to get out of this chair and find something to do outside. School and Work have become way too stressful. I have to work all weekend. How crapy is that? I'm not supposed to work weekends. Because I work during the week. DAMMIT! It's not like I'm getting anything out of working so much. Just some sore feet and a higher paycheck. But shit, I've been doing this for more than a year now. It's getting old. I can clean the popper, butter machine, & popcorn bin with my damn eyes closed. It's not fun anymore. But I don't want to quit. And with school, it has it's ups and downs. That's getting old too. I'd try to hang out with people and make friends but no, I have to be confined to that damn movie theatre ever spare chance I get.

Chrysalis

11.28.2002

11.24.2002

11.23.2002

11.15.2002

11.14.2002

11.12.2002

11.09.2002

11.07.2002

11.05.2002

11.04.2002

11.03.2002

11.01.2002

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