Chrysalis

You never understand life until it comes up and bites you on the fucking ass.

Good news, I was aproved for the computer loan. Bad news, I wasn't aproved for the check card. How? My bank decided not to tell me all the facts about applying for one. I can't believe that I have to wait until almost fucking January just to get one. It's incredibly sad.

On another note, I have to take driver training classes and they will cost a good $300. Which will take a chunk out of the money I'm saving up for the computer. Then my mom wants to buy me a car. Which will cost money, of course. Money I don't have. I clock in the most hours out of anyone at work and I still can't afford any of these things. I've had to sacrifice a lot to be able to keep money. I'm now down to three pairs of shoes. My sneakers, my suede hi-top things, and my work boots which are for work so they don't count. I then have stoped shopping for clothes all together. All of my clothes have been recycled from last year. Which is a first ever in my life. I've never had to wear the same clothes for more than a season. Unless I wanted to. I'm worried that people at school will start to think that I really don't have any money. That this front I put up for years acting like I did. I'm sure there are people out there just like me who are going through the same thing. But I don't want to give up my high maintanance lifestyle. Sure, I could buy my shoes at Payless or buy my clothes off the clearance rack. But what I really need is more money. I want to ask Mario for another raise. But since I already make the most money out of the floorstaff there, it would be rediculious. By the end of this pay perioud, I will have clocked in over 60 hours. I work non-stop. Just last month was the first time I ever got a chance to go out and have fun. Chill with friends and such. And I think that working at the theatre has deprived me of that. I couldn't do things I wanted to because I had to work. I missed college registration and I was forced to take some last minute electives. I couldn't go to graduation. Even if I wasn't going to graduate, it would have been nice to at least be there. Or Grad Nite. Damn, people are still talking about it. And I had to give it up because I had made some really bad choices. If I could, I would turn back time and repeat high school with the knowledge I have now. Things would have been so much easier. I would have known that the counseler was fucking stupid. I would have chose carefully who my friends and my enemies were. I would have put my fat ass on a diet. I would have made a much more drastic and sooner transition my Junior year. Maybe things would have been different for me. Things would be different now. I would have found something in me sooner to show me what I want the rest of my life to be. But all I have now are dreams. Dreams that wont come true because none of my dreams ever do. I could say that it's all my fault for not being asertive enough. Or say that it's the world's fault for dealing me a bad deck of cards. But I won't. It just happens. It just happens to me. It happens to everyone. Sooner or later, it'll happen. I'm just glad it was sooner. Like they say, you can't be a winner forever. The same goes for losers, too.

posted by ryryguy @ 12:34 AM