Chrysalis

I've been so stressed lately. With work, school, school, school, and work, I have no time for Ryan. It's pretty bad. I'm loosing myself. We're experencing a stationary front at the moment and the weather has been so clear and warm. Yesterday, there wasn't even a cloud in the sky. I'm usually one to pick up this but the other day, I went to school in a long-sleved shirt and a sweater. I nearly died. My allergies were in full bloom. I thought I wasn't gonna make it. But today was a little easier. I took my allergy pill and I had my blue pants on with a white polo shirt. But still, I've been feeling disconnected with the world. I can't remember the last time I layed out on the grass and read a book among all the wild flowers. Now I stay indoors all the time. And work, and work, and work. I have no time for a social life. No time to spend with friends. Meghan's championship game is tomorrow, I think. Or did I miss it? Oh well, I still couldn't have gone if I tried. Not Ryan. No. I'm too busy for Meghan's game. Come to think about it, I can't remember the last time I even gave Meghan a hug. Or the last time I told her how pretty she looked. I've been too caught up with work. *sigh*
No use wishing for a relationship when I can't comit 100%, know what I mean?
I've been thinking a lot about it and I wonder why I even wish for it at all. I have tons more than most people my age. I have a bunch of people in my life who actually care about me. Every person in my life affects me in a positive way. I have family. Even though most of it is pretty disfunctional, there are still some characters that I love and they love me just as much. I have a job. And while working at a small-town movie theatre isn't much to some, it's the best job I've ever had. I get along with everyone. I don't hate. I try my best to understand where everyone comes from. I have all the material possesions I want. Sure, call me spoiled. Call me whatever you want. But you can't call me lonely. Cause my life is full of great things and great people and each experence I have will make me stronger. I take the good with the bad. I do cry myself to sleep wishing for conpanionship. But that's all I can do, really. I mean I could be like most kids my age and not give into love and romance and just give into lust. But I'm not that kind of person. I want more than just someone's body. And I'm so sorry that it makes me weak. I chose to save myself years ago. When I was a child. I'd have my whole wedding planned out. *giggle* I can remember running up to boys at school and asking them to marry me. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to decide my future. Everything I see myself doing, I see my partner with me. I could do anything with the right person by my side.
So, what does this all mean? Do I stop making myself known? Step away from the spotlight? Would I really give up everything I worked(or didn't) so hard at obtaining? Just sit around and wait? I already know that I can't keep myself away from the spotlight. Because I've finally made it there. It's taken my 4 years to get to the top.
If I would had stayed the way I was three years ago, I'd never have the friends or support that I have now. I was an uber geek, nerd, poser, loser, freak, etc.. I was bad. I just had to finally realize the only way I'd get noticed would be to make some changes. I got rid of my glasses. Lost a few pounds. Started taking care of myself. Lost the nerdy language and I finally got lucky with a case of "coolness", which I've tried so hard these past years to get. And I love it. Now people look up to me. They love and admire me and that's all I really wanted. I still have a super long way to go. I guess I just answered my question. What my real goal in life is. I want to be loved. Not just petty, feel sorry for me love. REAL love. The kind you can't describe. And the only way to do that is to be myself and to love myself. Something that my friends, old, new, former, have tried to tell me for years. I never wanted to listen. But now that I have, and shown that the real me isn't "cool" or "geeky", that I was me. There's no label to describe that. People used my kindness for weakness. Every once in a while I'd try to hide it. But it's hard. Now I embrace my gift. The ability to love others. Even if they don't love me. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Love is my gift.

posted by ryryguy @ 10:34 PM