Chrysalis

It's not like I'm overwelmed. It's just that I've been so preoccupied with everything else happening in my life. I'm so behind in my Astronomy class. I'm sitting here, trying to do homework that I don't even know what to do. I feel like I'm stupid. I haven't felt this bad since high school. I thought I was over that part of my life. Maybe I am overwelmed. It seems like the only class I'm good at is this drama class. Funny, in high school, that would have been the last class I would have taken. Math and Astronomy has been even worse when my calculator decided that it's battery was gonna die this weekend. I just got it replaced today. That's what I get for trying to be all hard core and buying a calculator that isn't solar power. I don't even know why I'm even taking Astronomy. Then there's the issue of this promotion. Mario told me that he wasn't sure of the Chief, but he's gonna make me a projectionist. Which is nice, but I need more money. More money than even a chief can make. I have to pay for auto insurance. Plus, my car takes premium gas. Which, if you have been living under a rock, is the most expensive gas there is. I saw it at a whoping $2.50/gallon. That's a lot. And plus the $200 I'll be paying a month for insurance, I don't think I'd make it. How is that everyone can manage things so easily and yet, I'm crying my self to sleep worrying about the future. I haven't even been sleeping well. If I finnally fall asleep, I end up waking up each hour. And what really bugs me, I wake up exactly an hour before my alarm comes on. That agrivates me.

I've been on my toes even more than usual now. Now that it actually being the month of my birthday, the days will just get worse and worse until the actual day of my birthday where it will be the worst day of the fucking year. I wish I could have been born on leap year or something. That way I'd only have to worry every four years. I envy people born on that day. It's the second and I'm already threatening my mother not to do anything. I'm going to even have to call my grandmother and tell her to keep her prudish ass out of my fucking business. It's all her fucking fault that my graduation party was so lame. Because no one came. So at the last minute, my mom calls a bunch of family members I haven't seen in years. That was fun. My mom and her mom. Bitches.

Then let's not get me started on how incredibly dull my life is. I don't do anythng. Just work and the I try to get school in around that. I've been working too hard for the measily beans they pay me. I should at least be making $3 more than what I make now. Plain and simple. I work my ass off, then I go to school, not having any homework because I decided that I'd rather sleep. But I can't sleep. So I should have done my homework. Then I get all this caca in my head. I start to put myself down. Like what I'm doing right now.

My allergies are kiling me. I can't find my allergy medicine. And my asthma is getting worse. I had an asthma attack that lasted half and hour today. I was sixteen the last time I had one that bad. It's just awful. I wish I could outgrow it. My asthma is the only thing that holds me back. It's like, if I didn't have this disease, I could easily lose more weight than I have now. I could have more confidence, get a better paying job, so I'd have money to buy clothes from the trendy stores. Then people would like me because I'd look great. And I had a great personality. And then I'd have lots of friends and people would come over to my house every weekend just to watch me do silly things like wash my car. And that cute boy in my math class would want to be best friends with me. I could go to places and get in free because I looked good. And everyone around me looked good, too. I could actually get a date and not sit here being a virgin until I'm thirty. And they'd have money too. That way I could actually get away with being a theatre major and still afford to live. People wouldn't look at me like I'm some icky animal. Because I hate animals. Well, I do like animals. As coats. I don't want to be an animal. And everyone wonders why I burned all the photos of me from grade school up. No one wants a picture of a bear on their wall. They'd much rather have a human being.

I'm a bear. No, I'm a big fat puffer fish, that's out of water. Because the fish can't breathe because he has fucking ASTHMA!!!!!!!

Well, I'm going to go to bed now and fail my astronomy class. And probably even my algebra class. I just don't get anything anymore. It could be because I'm too busy sucking on my inhaler to get anything the teachers say.

posted by ryryguy @ 12:50 AM