Chrysalis: 03/01/2002

3.31.2002

You know what song I can't get enough of? Erickah Badu's "Bag Lady." Nifty song.

So um, "Happy Easter," and things.

Evy looked so hot today. She said that she wanted to go to the beach tomorrow and I offered to go with her. But she said that she wanted to go with her friends and I could just tag along.
Whatevah!

My cds came in yesterday. I just got them today. I'm listening to Ayu-Mi-X 4, Non-Stop Mega Mix. Then I'll listen to the orchestra version. Goodies!

Vanessa got fired today. Poor thing. I promised to still keep in touch with her. And her surgery next month.
Woo hoo! It's almost April.

3.30.2002

Today sucked. Elizabeth kept pestering me to take her to prom. Just because she's an underclassmen. I don't want to hurt her feelings telling her how much I disaprove of underclassmen going to an upperclassmen's ball. They really shouldn't be there. Ew.
So I told her that I was gonna ask Evy to prom. And so I wait and wait and wait. And Evy walks in, Elizabeth fucking asks her for me. I was pretty pissed. And of course, Evy says no. So Elizabeth throws herself at me and begs me to take her. So I do the biggest guy responce, "I'll think about it."
Now that Evy's rejected me, I don't even want to go. I felt so depressed that I went to Starbuck's and bought a giant Tazooberry. Then I bought a box of Sour Patch Kids. And then I bought a Aloha Pineapple Jamba Juice.
My tummy's upset.
When I got into the car, my mom had bought me two jackets. They're both rediculous. I don't even know why she got them. I already have three other jackets. This makes five. Thank god one of them didn't fit. If I haven't said it before, my mom is fucking stupid.
Then I was told this morning that I'm grounded. For "Being selfish and not accepting my responsibilities." Just because I have three F's and no driver's license. I fucking do more shit in this house than anybody else. And my parents want me to quit my job.

My life's complete. No job, no date to prom. God, what's next?

I'LL TELL YOU!
My brother told me that this guy in my class wants to kick my ass if I go to prom. Looks like I won't go after all.

3.29.2002

nine things you wear daily:
1. underwear
2. gold chain
3. gold ring
4. watch
5. contacts
6. glasses
7. boots
8. my blue suede shoes
9. my pinneapple crush lotion

eight movies you'd watch over and over:
1. bring it on
2. x-men
3. buffy
4. save the last dance
5. cinderella (roger and hamerstein's and disney's)
6. charlie's angels
7. the little mermaid
8. never been kissed

seven albums that matter:
1. "Can't Take Me Home" by Pink
2. "A Best" by Ayumi Hamasaki
3. "A Walk to Remember" Soundtrack
4. "Janet" by Janet Jackson
5. "I Am" by Ayumi Hamasaki
6. "Fever" by Kylie Minogue
7. "Britney" by Britney Spears

six objects you touch every day:
1. bed
2. "myself" *giggle*
3. house key
4. brush
5. my ring
6. my stereo remote

five things you do every day:
1. sleep
2. school/work
3. go online
4. play music
5. sing

four bands/singers that you couldn't live without:
1. ayumi hamasaki
2. britney spears
3. madonna
4. kylie minogue

three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. "Dancefloor" by Kylie Minogue
2. "Oops!" by Tweet
3. "Video" by India.Arie

two people that have influenced your life the most:
1. my grandmother
2. rachael

one thing you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. money

3.28.2002

I got this weird letter today. I didn't know who it was from but when I opened it, it was a new check card from the bank. It's gold, too! Woopie! Gold's my favorite color!

So I came home and realized I didn't have to work tonight. So I took a much earned nap. That lasted till 9pm. But as I was sleeping, I was dreaming. A wierd dream. One that had Evy in it. But this time we weren't kissing or anything. This time I was saying goodbye to her. And then I never saw her again. But that was only the begining of my dream. Then I was with Eric. It was odd, I don't like Eric anymore. In fact, I only like him for a good week. But it didn't feel akward. I mean, I wasn't thinking of Evy the whole time. It was just us. And he took me everywhere. I'm guessing we were on a date or something. But it was sweet. We held hands and everything. But then I woke up. And Felicity just came on. I cried. 8 more episodes to go.

JARRED????????!!!!!!!!!!
He thinks I like him? Oh no! I don't like Jarred. I never, EVER liked Jarred. He wishes I liked him. Ugly bastard.

3.27.2002

Which Winona Are You?

Which Angelina Are You?

I forgot to tell you. Because I passed Science, I bought two more Ayu cds. I bought her Ayu-Mi-X 4 cds. The Non-Stop Megamix and the Orchestra versions. Yay me!! XD

*yawn* Sitting here in the library waiting for the weather to cool down. I'm a little tired. I don't think I'll be able to walk home in this heat and not die.

So today was Wacky Wednesday. Another excuse for people to try to look bad. Well in my opinion atleast. But the lunchtime activities were pretty cool this time. I got a free rootbeer float. Even though I didn't need it. There were clowns making baloon animals and there was a magic show. They guy juggled fire. That's pretty damn cool.

Today wasn't that wacky to me. I did sound really good today in Sound Mix. My bad? We sounded really good.

Oh, Jenny e-mail me your new blog addy, k thx.

3.26.2002

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care".

You are seen as vain, self-centered, and one who is extremely dominant.

Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you,

but don't always trust you,

hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

You're a classic. You're popular. What else could you ask for? Maybe a taste in music, but that's up to you.

There was a whole spread in the Chronicle today about Kylie. They're even saying she could very well beat Madonna. It's kinda sad. I like them both.

Good news, I finished Science today at night school.

Bad news, I have to come back in a few weeks to start math.

Bad news, I'm probably officially kicked out of math class.

Bad news, I have three out of six F's on my progress report.

Bad news, My mom doesn't care that the math teacher's an asshole. Funny, she used to care.

Another bad day. So I come to school and try to sit through math class. Everything's ok but I'm still a little upset at the fact that Rachael won't even look at me. It would be different if I had actually did something wrong to her. But she rather belive the bullshit than the own person who actually cared about her. I never onece lied to her. That's why I called her my best friend.

So after math class, the teacher came to me and told me that if I am tardy to class one more time, I'll be dropped from the class entirely. It's not my fault that I'm late. And my mom's already told him that. And she's also told him that she doesn't care that I'm late. But he made me sign this detention slip. I can't go to detention because I have night school afterwards. Fuck him. He can sit in that room waiting for me all he wants. I hate the bastard. He doesn't even like me.

But I did get to talk to Evy today. Love that girl.

3.25.2002

Sitting here, with tears comming down my chin. It's not a pleasant feeling inside. And plus I have a cold sore on my tongue. It hurts. Everything hurts. I want the pain to stop.

Today I cried. Want to know why? I'll tell you why. I've been sick and tired of being under all this pressure. Of being amongst all this redicilous drama. All of this crazy shit that's made my life worth nothing.
So I decided since Evy's leaving, to try my best at getting over her. But it's been a tough process. I weeped a little at work. But I tried to contain it. As soon as I had myself under control, I was rocketed back to the past.

Rachael.

I was really excited to see her. At my job and all. What I wasn't so excited about was seeing her with her boyfriend. I waved at her and smiled. But she didn't even look at me. She just told me to get her a small iced tea and paid for it and walked off with her tall, dark, and ugly. I was so crushed. The one thing that I have missed the most was the way we were so close. Almost like siblings. Now she won't even bare to look at me. It hurts. It hurts bad. The managers at work noticed how upset I was afterwards. Good thing Tom came in with his Taveres cd. Me and Hillary were rocking to disco music. But I was still so upset. Over Evy, over Rachael, over Prom, over graduation. Just as I was trying real hard to count my blessings, then I realized I don't belong here in this theatre. Everyone loves me, or so they say. But if they really loved me, I'd be promoted already. Six months. Six months that I've wasted working there. I haven't even worked the box office yet. I just sit there and work at the consession stand while all the newbies get all the fun positions. There's an opening for Chief of Staff. I'd love to apply. But thanks to them, I'm not qualified. I don't know how to work anything else. I just don't understand why.
I couldn't opperate properly for the rest of the night. I kept droping things and spilling stuff.

Then as the clock rolled around 10pm, I realized I have a lot of homework to do. I clocked off and my mom came and got me. As I got into the car, I just laid my head on her shoulder and let it all out. I'm just not happy. I'm not happy at the person I've become. I've tried so hard at being accepted that I finally am. And now I don't know what to do with it. What's the point of having all this attention and have nothing to say? But I do have something to say and I hope everyone's reading it.

I'm tired. I'm tired of bullshit and I'm tired of everyone doing me wrong. I'm a human being just like everyone else. So maybe I am shallow. Or concieted. I deserve love too. Call me whatever. Spoiled, petty, whatever. But I will not be the victim anymore. Sorry to sound so clichéd, but it's the truth. And I'm not going to prom. I've decided that if people are gonna get into bullshit drama over a lame dance that I don't have a date for, why bother going? And I'm not gonna walk on graduation day. Yes, on the last day of school, I will walk to the Counseler's office and get my diploma and get the fuck out of there. I really don't want to see anybody else. All the friends I love the most haven't graduated yet or have already graduated. Fuck this class. And another thing, don't ask me for shit, or take my shit. I'm tired of it. My friends take me for granted and then they wonder why I don't hang out with them anymore. Let's see, MEGHAN TREATS ME A HELL OF A LOT BETTER. So now you know. Maybe we could work something out, if everyone would fucking respect me.

"My world is changing, I'm rearranging."

And someone called me after school on my cell phone. I answered and no one answered back. I looked at the phone number and the area code was 502. My friend Kristina said that she thought it was a call from Fresno. I don't know anyone in Fresno. Then I just looked it up at whitepages.com and it says the area code is for Kentucky. WHAT THE HELL?? I don't know anyone in Kentucky!! Everyone I know either lives here in Contra Costa County or in Los Angeles. That's odd. Kentucky? Whatever.

Sing, Kylie Minogue, SING!! XD

I just found out today that Evy will be moving. She got excepted to some big school of the arts. I know I should have seen this coming. I mean, most of the people I really like leave me. I'll probably never see her again after this year. Which really depresses me. Evy has been one of the mose special and influencial people in my life. As I even write this I'm trying hard not to cry.

So I got my application to DVC today. It really sucks having two middle names. I've always gone by Ryan Jewlmer Elkins White. But the application only has room for one. So I put Elkins. But they had a field where you put your nickname or whatever you prefer to be called so I just put "Ryan White."

The next issue of the Watchdog is coming out tomorrow. My filesharing story is in it. It's actually good, too. I got full credit on it and the editors didn't have to change anything. So proud of myself. Mr. Reichert didn't put my review of the new Kylie Minogue cd in. But I hope it goes in the next issue. Also, I've been meaning to write a column about the Diane Wipple dog mawling case. And my next month's story is gonna be part of the Prom feature.

3.24.2002

Bored? Lonely? Depressed? Here's something to cheer you up.
First, become best friends with a girl, preferably a Meghan. Meghan will have a boyfriend named Matt. He's usually a weirdo. So what you do is, you tease him over and over again because nothing can phase the little piece of crap until you feel better! Go 'head. He likes helping people feel better.

Oh no! My mother called me a self-centered little brat. Bitch please. Just because I was running late and she kept stopping in front of her friend's baby's daddy's car. He had wrecked it. I told my mom that I was running late to work and I don't care about his fucking car. He ain't my fucking baby's daddy. So she was "fine! you self-center spoiled brat!!"

Bitch!

I'm lonely! I want attention! Give me attention! Please? Where is everybody?
I'm not gonna see Blade 2 today. I still have to go down there to give Vanessa her video back. The Shining is freaky!!!

3.23.2002

I wish my dad would stop fucking drinking and treat me like a normal fucking person. Or maybe he could just die. At lest that way I'd get enough money for a car.

test by Leanne
which CCS character are you?

What Flavour Are You? I am Vanilla Flavoured.

I am Vanilla Flavoured.

I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

Good Lord, I haven't blogged in days. I've been so busy lately. And using up all my hours on Netzero didn't help either. Bastards. But now that I have NZ Platnum, it will never happen again. RIGHT? *glares at Netzero*
So, what had happened this week was I stayed home on Monday. Tuesday, we had our senior class panoramic photo. Trisha made me be in line with her and she's short so I had to kneel in the front row. I got my white pants all fucked up with red dust from the track field. That will be the last favor I do for her. Shoot, not getting my pretty pants messed up. Wednesday, I remembered that I had a research paper that was supposed to be turned in last week, but I never did it. So I did it thursday night. Turned it in Friday and Ms. Sharp was so excited about it. LOL, I told her my printer was broken and I had to print the whole thing up at the Library. Rule one about Alhambra teachers. Either they're drunks, or fucking stupid. Sure, there are the cool ones. But they are the ones trying to get the fuck out of there.

So anyway, Friday was a blast. School ended quickly, well I thought it did anyway. At work, me and Liz were having a pitty party. Talking about our invisible prom dates and all. So we both decided that if we didn't become sluts, that we'd end up alone forever. Liz didn't even last one fucking hour until this really cute guy came in with some friends of ours. He kept staring at her like she was a snacky-treat. I wish somebody would glare at me like I was the Goddess Aphrodite herself. So whatever. Blah blah blah, we finally convinced her to say hi to him. Blah blah blah, they exchanged phone numbers. Blah blah blah, now I'm the only one single at work. Well me and Ashley. But she's a flirt. And Elizabeth. But she's a bovine. LOL

3.18.2002

Look! I got a new Guestbook!
And a new counter!!

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

You're Spike. An English badass. At least you were until they put that stupid chip in your head. And then you fell in love with the slayer... Snap out of it, man!

Find your inner vampire.

3.17.2002

You are restricted. Well done, you're now
practically adult in nature, and plus, you
get to see nudity - have fun.

"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.

You seem to be Badtz-Maru.
Badtz-Maru lives with his mother and pinball-playing father. He lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy. He spends his recess with his seal friend, Hana Maru, and his panda friend, Pandaba. When not at school, he likes to take his friendly pet alligator, Pochi, for a walk. Badtz-Maru hopes to take over the world when he grows up.

Which Sanrio character are you? by

woofiegrrl

3.16.2002

Vanessa let me borrow The Shining. I can't wait to watch it.
My brother and I are gonna see Resident Evil tomorrow.
I miss Evy. Come back to me, Evy! ;_;
The managers at work are being bitches.
And I didn't have any sexual relations with a 13 year old boy!! So what if he gave me a $5 tip. He was being nice.

Kenny bought me a strawberry cheesecake from Burger King. I love him! *giggle* :D

WHAT??
Hillary told me that some guy called for me at work last week asking for me. She said I wasn't working and he yelled "Fuck!" He was really eager to get in touch with me cause he asked for my cell phone number. Which no one knows. I was really bummed. What if that was Mr. Right? Oh well, if he hasn't tried to get in contact with me now, he'll probably never will.

I'm bored and was reading Sarah's blog. So sue me already.

01. what is your full name? Ryan Jewelmer Elkins White
02. backstreet boys or n*sync? Actually I used to like BSB because Rachael did. But now I hate them. So I'll go with the lesser of two evils.
03. pepsi or coke? Pepsi!
04. what color pants do you have on right now? they're blue jeans.
05. what song are you listening to right now? "dancefloor" by Kylie Minogue
07. what is right next to you? the fucking couch
08. what is your computer desk made of? wood and some metal attachments.
09. what are the last four digits of your phone number? 3103
10. what was the last thing you ate? a chicken quesadia and mexican pizza from Taco Bell. It was actually GOOD!
11. do you like snow, sun, or rain? sun, I hate water that comes from the sky.
12. have you ever smoked pot? yup
13. what did you do last night? Cried.
14. last person you talked to on the phone? My mom so I could get a ride home from work.
15. what's the sexiest thing that you find in the opposite sex? dick size... oh, you mean OPPOSITE sex, my bad? I'd go with personality, but then I'd be lying. ASS!
16. how are you today? let's see, I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm cranky, I'm hungry, I'm horny, and I think I have an ear infection. Other than that, I'm cool.
17. how do you eat an oreo? I twist them and suck the frosting off each side. Before eating the chocolaty goodness.
18. what makes you happy? Evy
19. hair color? black
20. birthdate? April 22
21. eye color? dark brown
22. height? 5'5
23. do you wear contacts? yes
24. do you have any siblings? two brothers, one sister.
25. what school do you attend? Alhambra High School and Martinez Adult School
26. who do you consider your closest friends? the ones that don't piss me off.
27. what do you like to do? play/sing music, work, watch the boys swim team.
28. what's the best advice given to you? "Ryan, quit being so damn stupid!!"
29. what do you want to be when you grow up? Actually, my dream was to become famous. I wanted to be an actor, then a international pop star. But now I want to be a teacher. And I'm sticking to that.
30. what is your favorite food? Japanese food. Italian comes in second.
31. what are your future goals? get out of high school, get out of martinez, go to university, get teaching credentials, get married
32. what's your favorite movie? Well I can tell you it's not Dracula Rising!
33. what's your favorite song? too many to list
34. what's your favorite day of the year? the last day of school
35. what's your favorite month? May, it's very spring like
36. what's your favorite perfume? whatever smells nice
37. do you like to dance? GOOD GOD YES!
38. are you too shy to ask someone out? Let's see... I was, but then I got the confidence to ask a girl out. She turned out to be a bitch, told everyone I was stalking her, called the police on my friends, and destroyed a lot of valuable friendships that I had. Let's see, do you think I'm too shy to ask a person out, now?
39. what's your favorite name brand? Well I'd really like Tommy Hilfigire if I could fit in them. But FUBU's pretty cool. And I love Paco. Urban brands are so much fun.
40. have you ever been in love? thought I was, but now it's sheer hatred. Almost murderious rage.
41. what is the stupidest thing you've ever done? Fall for Rachael?
42. what is your first son's name going to be? I haven't decided between Isaiah, Tyler, or Cameron.
43. what is your first daughter's name going to be? Cordelia or Maddison.
44. do you like scary or happy movies better? I seem to like happy movies more.
45. day or night? day.
46. summer or winter? summer
47. do you have a boy/girlfriend? no
48. hugs or kisses? I give out too many hugs. I think a kiss is more personal. So I'll go with kisses. They're more sacred.
49. if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? The ability to be completely shallow. Without any human compassion. That way I wouldn't get involved with other people's bullshit.
50. do you consider cheerleading a sport? yes, not High School cheerleading. But I've seen the compititions on ESPN and they look pretty cool.
51. what did you think of this survey? why the fuck is it so long?
52. your location? in a tiny room in a tiny house in a tiny town in big ass California.
53. shoe size? 12
54. do you care about the way you look? yes, I must be the cute!
55. do you get a tan only in summer? I'M BLACK!
56. do you have big ears? yes
57. do you like to give advice? depends on the person. If it's a real problem, then definately. Not anything like, "Ryan! What should I do about MATT?" I don't care anymore.
58. are you a goody two-shoes? teehee, not anymore
59. are you a lover or a fighter? I'm a lover-fighter.
60. are you a daydreamer? very much so

IN THE PAST WEEK, HAVE YOU...?
cried? yup
cut your hair? yeah, got my hur done last week
worn a skirt? I'm a boy
been mean? oh so many times
been sarcastic? me? sarcastic? NEVER!
gone for a walk? we don't walk in California. We get a ride from someone else.
gone out for dinner? no
met someone new? Brendon's girlfirend. We've never been properly introduced. Bitch.
talked to an ex? yeah, some ex-teachers of mine. I told them I wanted to be a teacher and they gave me advice.
missed an ex? yeah, I miss Ms. Schoen and Ms. Werner.
missed someone? I missed Evy today. WHERE FOR ART THOU, EVELYN?
hugged someone? I love my hugs, now
danced with someone? me and Ashley's daily lunchtime grind.
kissed someone? kissed ashley on the cheek

THE FEELINGS SIDE:
best feeling in the world: someone telling you they love you and actually meaning it.
worst feeling in the world: someone telling you they hate you and actually meaning it.

THE PAST SIDE:
memory you treasure most: When me and Rachael stayed up on the phone watching reruns of Golden Girls.
memory you would like to forget: Me and Rachael period.

THE FUTURE SIDE:
occupation: teacher, and international pop star
marriage: hopefully someone I love more than life itself
kids: I want two, boy and a girl

FAVORITES:
color: yellow
toothpaste: colgate total
ring: the only one I have, big gold block thing with a tiny diamond in the corner.
show: Buffy!
time: Tuesdays at 8pm on UPN
flower: Orchids
number: 21
book: "A Walk to Remember" by Nicholas Sparks
word: "Ok!" the ghetto phraise
dance: the one I can do
disease: the kind that have a cure. unlike my asthma. wich I think I'll be connected to an inhaler for the rest of my life.

Ry-Ry loves his Evy! :D

3.11.2002

I'm so proud of myself. I passed my Econ. final. But now I have to finish Night School. It really pisses me off. I might have to go four days a week just to finish this shit.

Which Drew Are You?

DUH! Cause I'm Cinderella anyway! :P

Happy 20th Erin! Next year, we'll get super drunk! :D

3.10.2002

I have to go to Erin's party today. But I don't have a ride yet. I wish my mom was home.

3.09.2002

A Song For XX

Why am I crying?
Why am I lost?
Why did I stop?
Please tell me
When will I grow up?
How long can I stay a child?
Where have I come running from?
Where am I running to?

I had no place to live. I couldn't find one.
I don't know if I could have any hope for the future.

They always said I was a strong child.
They praised me, saying "you must be strong to not cry."
I didn't want those words at all.
So I pretended not to understand.

Why are you laughing?
Why are you by my side?
Why are you leaving me?
Please tell me.
When did you become strong?
Since when have you felt weakness?
How long must you wait
for the day you understand to come?

The sun is rising. I must go soon.
I can't stay in the same place forever.

You will someday be betrayed by your trust in people.
I thought it was the same as being rejected.
At the time I didn't have that kind of strength.
I definitely knew too much.

They always said I was a strong child.
They praised me, saying "you must be strong not to cry."
The more people said things like that,
the more even laughing became agony.

I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.
I thought that surely that kind of life is appropriate.
~Ayumi Hamasaki

Never in my whole life have I ever hated myself so much as I do now.

It's so hard to figure out what the Lord's plans are for us. We never seem to understand untill it's too late. I guess that's why it's been so hard for me to keep the faith. I need proof that the Lord is watching over me. That he knows what he's doing and has a higher plan for me. One that involves me leaving this slum and living happily every after. Cause there has to be something better. After all this suffering. What am I supposed to get out of all this? To learn that I really can't depend on my family? They're the only things I've got. They're always around. The only ones I can actually talk to whenever I need to. But why can't they accept me? Especially my father. I tried so hard to live up to his expectations. Only to have my own dreams shattered in the process. My brother had to sacrifice everything he was just to gain my dad's love and trust. Just because I won't follow in my dad's footsteps, he automatically disaproves of me. And no one else will do anything. Cause they're afraid of him not liking them either. I'm lost. Where do I belong in this world if I can't even depend on my family? I can't make it on my own. And I just can't jump up and get a new family, now can I? The only reason why I take this pain is because after the pain, there is healing.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By

Growing.

I was hoping I'd get yellow again. But this describes me pretty well.

What is your meaning of life?

Well it was but since High School is almost over, I'll never be this popular again. ;_;

3.07.2002

I called Silvana back. We talked for almost an hour just catching up on our old days working at Water World. Damn those were some fun times. I can't really remember anything before last year's drama. She shuggested that we get together and stuff. She, too, had some drama last year. But as soon as I told her what had happened to me, she was like "DAMN!"
It was really nice to hear from an old friend. Usually, when I don't hear from a friend in more than a year, I'll never hear from them again.
We even talked about the future. Like taking classes together and just chillin. I'd like to chill again. Believe me. I haven't had "Me" time in so long. It almost makes me want to cry.

I said almost.

Which Rock Chick Are You?

Silvana called me today. I'm wondering what she wants. I guess I could call her back. I mean she was my whole summer escape from Rachael. Until school started and Rachael stabbed me in the back. ^^

Ok, so usually I can tolerate losers. But this time, it's really irritating me. This guy, John, gives poor white trash a bad name. Jesus Christ. He always has to talk to me and is always around acting like he has something to prove. Ugh! And he SMELLS. I'd wish he'd go away. Go find some other greasy, filthy, freshmen to hang around. Oh wait, they don't like you either! And seriously, take a bath once in a while. I'm not gonna have someone like him completely ruin my social status. I've worked too hard to look this good and get this shallow. You can go somewhere, John. Down a toliet or something.
And quit begging! >.< It's High School! It's every man for themselves.

Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

Shit, I only wish.

You are the classic yellow squeeky toy.

Find your inner rubber ducky.

*roflmao* Matt! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Nuneypoo! He's bad at Scrable! What a dork! *cackle*

Tom injured Ashley last night. He had this huge plate/ashtray from Mexico on the counter. And Ashley had ducked down to put the cups back in the cabinet. She got up and he grabed the plate and it connected with her head. HARD.
She has this big red bloody thing on her head. I didn't come downstairs for the rest of the night. Someone's getting a raise. LOL!

*ROFLMAO*
I must be responsible for THOUSANDS of kittens.

3.05.2002

I took the McDonalds test, and guess what I got?

You can take the
McDonalds Product Test by Matio64
here!

"Wow you're ecstacy! Pretty lights and raves and stuff. And you are SO popular now. I think cocaine is jealous."

What Pattern Are You?

Wee!!! Diamonds! DIAMONDS!!

Curtesy of A Diamond is Forever

Oh great. More drama! Envy.nu is closed so they gave it to a new company. Or something like that. So I had to open a new account and then they want me to transfer the files from my old account to the new one. But for some reason, I can't. It's becoming really fustrating cause I only have one week to do this. Is there something wrong with the ftp? I dunno. This new service only gave me this vague explanation of what to do. So I have no fucking idea how to transfer my files to my new account. It really pisses me off that I didn't get an e-mail telling me this in advance so I could have backed up my web site.

If anyone ever visited my site, they know how much pride I take in it. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but it was one of the biggest accomplishments that I have made in the past year. And I'd really hate to loose something that was part of my healing process.

3.04.2002

Also, I have this nasty boil on the back of my neck. I have this huge band-aid on it so if it pops, blood won't drip on my clothes. But it hurts. >.<

But on a lighter note,

	You are Miss Piggy! You're something of a diva, but that's only because it would be a crime to let your looks and talent go to waste. Vous êtes magnifique!
*Take the What Muppet Are You?* Quiz!**

And that Kermit is such a cutie! ^.~

"Yeah, well you piss me off Ryan! So ha! Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!"
-crystal bob 5:01 PM ::

Take a chill pill, gurfrien. I was only kidding.

So what had happend was, today in Stone's class, we were working on our outlines for our English thesis. Which the rough draft is due Friday and no one is prepaired. I don't even know what Ms. Stone's motives are and I'm a little scared that she might not know what she's doing and have us all going to summer school to get our deplomas. Well, I'd just be going to summer school. And night school. And maybe even day school again. I'm not sure yet. Maybe if teachers weren't so fucking stupid and understand that I hate homework.
Why, why, WHY did I agree to do this story for Journalism? Now I actually have to do it this time.

Well this is the week. The one year mark of my coming to terms with myself and with my friends. It was after this week that I had to re-evaluate the relationships with people around me. It was when me and Rachael stoped talking. It was how close me and Ashley became. It was how much I wanted to forgive, but didn't have the strength to do so. A year of crying, of healing, and crying somemore. But I made it. I survived. LOL, actually the few things that kept me going were my friends, god, and the surviver cd by Destiny's Child. Although I try not to let the bad things that happen effect me anymore. I try to forget them and only take in the good things. Like with Rachael. I'll always remember how we were the best of friends. How I could call her at any time whenever I felt bad. She was always there. Her birthday is Wednesday. Which was one of the harddest yet the most exciting days of my life. But I'm all past it now. I have new, loving people in my life. Some old friends and some new ones. I have a lot to be proud of in the past year. And no one can take my pride away from me. At least not this time. I believe everything happens for a reason. And this was a sign for me to grow up. Now that I have gotten through the drama, I'm able to live my life. Sure, there are still some downers. But I'm able to deal with them in a new way. And I can thank EVERYONE and EVERYTHING for that. I think it was perfect what Spike said in "Once More With Feeling",

Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss, life is just this
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on living
So one of us is living

I have a lot to be thankful for. But I'm most thankful for me being able to have the chance to live.

No fair! The gang went to Berkeley to buy dildos and didn't even bring me! Did I even get a phone call? NO! >.<
People piss me off.

I love me some Evy.

3.03.2002

For some reason, I have Mandy Moore's "So Real" stuck in my head. But I always have a Mandy Moore song in my head.

Inosence is what I got
Takes true love to hit the spot
Can't control my every move
When we're together, we're in the groove
Don't care about your other girls
I'm the only one that rocks your world
Gonna have to keep me satisfied
Cause my inosence wont be denied

Baby it's real
So so real
That I just can't explain
The way that it's making me feel
So so real
Baby it's real

There's a lot of drama going on at work. Ashley & Kenny, Me & Evy, Elise & Contra Costa Cinemas. It's enought to make me cry.

Thanks to BDoD, you have now been spoiled.

First and foremost I've noticed a lot of speculation going around about the Big Scooby Death (or BSD). From what I can remember, Herc was pretty much the first person to bring this to our attention. He's also made it very clear that the BSD is, in fact, a Scooby. In other words, it's a main member of the team, not a secondary character. Amy has always seemed like a good choice, but she's NOT a Scooby. So this removes the Troika from this list, too.

Wanda over at E! online has a poll up asking who we think the BSD will be. You even get choices...absent from that list are Buffy and Willow. Everyone else is a suspect.

6.16 - the weddding episode. Anya and Xander goodness. Sad ending. Which leads into...

6.17 - Normal Again. Buffy is supposedly poisoned by a demon and goes nuts. In fact, she forgets that she was ever the slayer and she has to be placed in a mental hospital. Evidently, she does some damage to a few close friends in the process, but nothing fatal. Buffy also learns something about heaven. At this point none of the three core couples are together...but that will change...

6.18 - Willow and Tara loviness. Anya and Xander meet (supposedly for the first time since the wedding) and Xander tells her that he doesn't think they can even date anymore. Again, the word is that Anya curses him and fails, but it would make more sense if she ALMOST curses him -- with appropriate peer pressure from Halfrek. There are rumors going around that Xander and Anya get back together by the end of the season, but it would seem odd to break them up only to get them back together again six episodes later.

That's what I've got right now, or at least what I'm confident with. There has been a rumor going around that the season ends with an emotional cliff hanger of sorts. Basically, the last scene is shots of everyone crying -- although not necessarily together. Is it sadastic for me to want this? I would love a nice heavy ending, one that makes me scream for next season to start already. The Gift was heavy, but it was such an ending that I wasn't screaming for another episode.

New template! Aint it cute? And I'm Saint Ryan now!

3.02.2002

My favorite color and element! :D

Elise quit last night. She had gotten in an argument with Jeanna or something. And she came to me and said that she was walking out. And before I knew it, she was gone. Now I have to cover her shifts. I have to close on tomorrow. Kids aren't supposed to close on school nights. And she was the only person over 18 working tomorrow. That sucks. She was really sweet. She told me that I was one of her friends in a past life.

But I'm not gonna get emotional about it. Things happen all the time. But I was glad when Jerica and her boyfriend Robert came to the consessions just to say hi. It really made my day.
I'm working with Evy tonight. Still debating whether or not I want to ask her to prom. And everyone's being really bitchy to me about it and I don't think I want to fucking go at all.

3.01.2002

I wish I could be naturally attractive. Like Jennifer Grijalva. She's got to be the most beautful girl in school. But she's still so nice and polite. If I had looks like her, it would have completely gone to my head by now. She can pretty much walk into wherever and have any guy she wanted. And a guy would be crazy not to take her. Even the gay guys want her. I always say that she'll be the one I miss after school is over the most. Everytime she sees me, she smiles. And she's always done that. Ever since we were 12. What a sweetheart.

WOAH! My awards changed! That's pretty cool! :D

Chrysalis